Alone, what is that really? How is it that someone who has people to confide in say they are alone? Is it that they don't know what alone is, or that they don't really have someone to confide in? As I look into my life I see a person without a soul. I once had a soul but I gave it away. I gave my soul that fateful day in March. From that point on I have been someone else. As I came home today I remembered not the drive home. I looked back at my life, and I hated who I had become. I saw someone who looked forward to some malicious thing happening to myself. But why did I wish this? In my own twisted reality I know this answer. I want something horrific to happen to me, just to see the reaction of my "friends". I want to see the reaction on their faces. I want to see if they actually do give a d***.
Have you ever thought about your life? How we wake each day only to do the same as the day before. How each act we do is only to better the one we think we screwed up just a moment before. Each day I wake we the three main thoughts in mind: will I be happier today then yesterday? Will I be more prosperous than the day before? Will I be as liked as the day before? But why should we care about these things. What does it matter who likes us? If we do not like ourselves then who can truly like us? If we do not think that all we do is prosperous, then how can we truly be prosperous? If am not happy today, what I have done to become unhappy? We live in a society where all we do is centered around the thoughts and opinions of others when what is truly important, our own self perception is lost. Have you ever truly cared about someone to the fact that everything you do reminds you of that person? The simple act of driving a car or walking down a sidewalk conjures up the thought of that person. I feel that way right now. Have you also felt like the thing you want most in life is the most intangible thing? I feel this way too.
As I drove home I thought again of three main things Will I make home safely? Will I ever amount to anything? Will that one thing I want most ever come my way? Well since I'm here, I guess I got home safely. It is too soon to say whether I will amount to anything. And that third thing is obvious. Maybe it is destiny telling what is meant to be. Maybe it is destiny playing hard to get. I hoping the latter. I think about my destiny all the time, it consumes my every thought. Even when I was paranoid that the 5 0 was trailing me I thought about it. How can I shake these feelings? From the onset I have felt this way. I will feel this way even if destiny proves me wrong and goes its separate way. Still I wonder, do I have enough to sink a ship? Can I make my destiny happy? The answer is probably not. I know I can never be the right one for her. I can never treat her the way she wants, or needs to be treated. But still I want to try. I want to, if only one time, hold her in my arms. To, if only once, kiss her lips. And if it is only that one time, I can say that I have and that I didn't let that moment pass me by. But I know that is a fantasy. She has made this painfully clear. Reach down your hand in you pocket, pull out some hope for me. It's been a long day.
